when you never notice, it happens two times harder

HI there,

recently there's been ups and downs in my life. the up's is that people around me are still as awesome as before. I smile, I laugh, I joke. make fun of things when its not even funny and feel lame all over it, blur every single morning and feeling sleepy as always. this is me. fun? its more like a routine. but though i'm still happy being like this everyday without fail. yet again, part that upsets me most is always the problem with my relationship. it brings me down the most because no matter how hard I try i'm still not good enough. I wanna be patient. I don't want to go back to the old me anymore. I really hated myself back then. when I thought everything is finally over, it happens again, again and again... partially its my fault? I don't want things to be repeated over and over again...when can we put a fullstop? I love myboy. I promise myself that I will never ever hurt him but why do I always end up hurting him the most? am I even doing the right thing? am I the person he deserves? am I going to change myself? when.....when am I going to start doing the right thing instead of giving him so much nonsense?

Sometimes things are too deep to understand. things inside is even harder to describe. I wonder if someone could actually express even without a word? how much I hope there's a scientist which can invent a machine that can read people's mind. before that, send all my thoughts to that person. Sometimes, I even wish I were a mind reader. that I could read your mind and make every single of your thoughts count. well, perhaps someday... how much I wish I can understand you more, therefore there wont be any misunderstandings. when I see people get mad at each other my heart really sink. I hated to see that happening infront of me. but what I don't realize was I used to be like that last time.

I hate it..and I don't want that to happen ever again. but can I really promise this time? or is this just another hopeless thoughts? nevertheless, I choose to believe myself, have faith in myself, love and appreciate mybf now before everything turns bad again.

bedtime.

xx